I jotted the idea for this post down a while ago, probably in a moment when I was literally thinking these exact words to myself: stop being so fucking hard on yourself! I have no idea what I was doing or why my brain had resorted back to auto-asshole mode, but unfortunately I can’t say it was the last time something like this happened.
The truth is, I am way too fucking hard on myself. My “ideal” discipline levels rival that of a drill sergeant, and I am still yet to stay up past my bedtime (12am) without feeling guilty or like I am cheating on my routine.
Quite frankly, it’s a little pathetic, but it’s something that I think all of us can relate to. Going to a friend’s house when you’re behind on a deadline. Saying no to an extra shift at work because you already have plans. Picking out a block of chocolate and the good old “junk food guilt” setting in. And that’s before we’ve even left the aisle!
The instant we make decisions (and usually beforehand), our brain likes to assess if we’ve done something good or bad. Right or wrong. Positive or negative. Basically, does it align with our moral code or not?
It’s a rickety bridge to cross, and one that I find myself slipping on all too often. I hate that I am constantly critiquing myself and my decisions, and questioning how I spend every minute of my time awake (and when I’m supposed to be asleep) and if it is “productive”. Ugh. Even I’m feeling bored typing that.
If you don’t quite know where I’m coming from (and boy, must that be nice) here are some examples of self-crituqing/questioning that I come across on the daily:
Pouring milk into my cereal/tea: Am I consuming too much milk? Am I a horrible person for using it? Will I get enough calcium if I stop? Why can’t my tastebuds just accept almond milk already?!
Buying takeaway/going out for food: Do you really need to be spending this much on food? Think of what you could do with all of this saved up! Why don’t you have any self control? Why do you even care about eating nice things?
Not working on assignments: Why are you so lazy? Don’t you realise that you’re only hurting yourself by wasting time now and stressing out later? Why can’t you be more motivated? This is why you’re not at the top of your game.
Looking at online stores: Why do you even bother when you don’t have the money to buy that stuff? This is just asking to be tempted. Look how much time you’ve wasted with nothing to show for it?
Again, ugh. This whole self-loathing/brain-bashing(me) thing is simply not cute. Reading back on that makes me want to tell the person saying those things to fuck off. It really is true when they say that your worst critic is yourself. I can 100% relate to that, and it sucks. Writing this is making me feel annoyed that I still give time to the part of my brain that comes up with this bullshit. And by this bullshit, I mean negativity. Again: NOT CUTE.
It’s interesting how some of these critiques have actually stemmed from other people’s opinions. And not necessarily ones of me, but opinions of other people not meeting their high standards – if that makes any sense at all. The term school rings a few bells there.
School was definitely the worst when it came to constantly trying to live up to other’s expectations and rules, and I guess that after being trapped in the classroom for 12 years we’ve walked away not only with a diploma, but some unwanted standards that we still try to live up to.
It’s silly, I know, but that’s just the reality of it. There’s always someone expecting something from us, whether that be a teacher, a parent or a boss. We’re constantly trying to cycle through information and regulations and darn dress codes that it sometimes leaves little room for some much needed soul searching. Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to sell all your shit and jump on a plane to India, but it does mean you need some time out to reflect.
I’ve found one thing in particular that really helps is doing a social media cleanse. AKA sorting through your “follow” lists and getting rid of all the assholes who make you feel bad about yourself. I’m sure they’re lovely people, but if they’re posting about getting up at 5am everyday and this results in you feeling guilty for waking up at 7, well…there’s no feed aesthetically pleasing enough to fix that. They’ve gotta go!
If they genuinely are your be all and end all of “goals” then sure, keep them around, but don’t be fooled into thinking that just because you look up to them that you will ever have the same routine/lifestyle as them. If only it were that easy, hey.
I guess all that I wanted to say with this post is to stop feeling bad about the occasional chocolate bar. YES, I KNOW SUGAR IS BAD FOR ME, PETE EVANS. But that’s not going to stop me from putting it in my cup of tea because i enjoy it. Of course, everything in moderation, but comparing ourselves to others when we’re feeling guilty about an action is only going to make things a shit-tonne worse. So let’s all take a deep breath, admit that maybe we should’ve done things a little differently and MOVE THE FUCK ON.
Sorry, I know there’s been a lot of swearing in this, but it’s the kind of pep talk that NEEDS swearing. All the best ones have them, didn’t you know?
I’m going to stop here, before I go off on a tangent about god knows what next, haha. I hope you found this piece enlightening, or at the very least you can finish reading it and think “at least I’m not as screwed up as her”. Therapy for me and a pick-me-up for you, it’s a win win 🙂
Till next time (if I haven’t scared you off with my ranting),