it’s okay not to be okay.

Things have been…hard lately, to say the least. I’m not sure if I will even upload this post, because I really do want this blog to be more than me ranting on the internet, but I think that sometimes it’s important to talk about issues that matter.

Like being sad and not knowing how to pull yourself out of it.

Like falling in love with a boy and having him turn around and say ‘I just don’t like you that way anymore, I thought you knew that’ (I didn’t).

Like wanting to run away because you feel like there’s nothing left for you in this town except for your family, who you really like having around.

Like how people seem to keep walking out or drifting away and there’s nothing you can do to stop them.

Like how it’s currently a long weekend and you’ve spent the majority of it crying because of issue b. 

I know things will get better, and I know that the Universe has a mysterious way of working its course, and I know that sometimes you just need to trust Fate to have your back, but sometimes, like tonight, it’s really fucking hard to be positive about the future.

And yes, I am well aware that these are all first world problems, but they are my problems and they affect my happiness, so they still count. They still need to be dealt with and handled with care.

I know that in times like these, the best thing you can do is reach out to someone. It’s hard as hell, and I’ve found myself choking on words and hastily wiping away tears trying to assure others that I’m fine and that I don’t need to talk, when in my head I’m screaming for someone to wrap me in a blanket and put me in a dark corner until this all goes away. And I’ve got a really good support network but I hate having to burden other people with what’s going on in my head.

“Be your own hero.” “At the end of the day, the only person that can pull you out of the darkness is you.” “You got this!” Yeah? Well what if I can’t? What if I’m not strong enough to do this on my own right now? We are constantly being given all of these mixed messages in regards to how to handle ourselves when the going gets tough, when sometimes I would love someone to just hand me a plane ticket and tell me to get the hell out of here for good.

But this isn’t Hollywood. My hair looks like a greasy mess and my face is covered in dry tears as I write this. I need to shower but I have no energy for a task that will literally take less than five minutes. I keep glancing at my phone hoping that you’ve taken off your asshole hat and you didn’t mean what you said earlier. Unfortunately, things don’t usually work out the way we plan them to. Hell, my life definitely hasn’t gone according to the original, high school scripted plan. “Uni in Brisbane studying writing, then get a job at a cool music magazine and hopefully move to Melbourne and go to plenty of gigs and not let boys break my heart.” Well, it was along those lines. And sure, that plan can still happen, I’ve got time, but right now I’m not where I expected to be at 21.

In fact, I’m just going to go ahead and say it: so far, I hate being 21. Aside from my week in Bali at the start of the year and a few good days in between, this year has been nothing but shit. I feel unaccomplished and crap. I’ve never felt more confused and lost. I guess it’s because society expects you to have your shit together by this age. Hell, I expected myself to have my shit together at this age. I’m still running around as a casual at my job with my car rapidly deteriorating while I unwisely spend too much money on takeout.

I know there’s plenty of other young people out there feeling this way, but when you’re the only one in your friendship circle who struggles to have anything work out in their favour, it’s pretty easy to pack up shack and retreat into your bedroom in between shifts at work.

But hey, I’m still living. The aircon’s still going strong and I have a day off work tomorrow, so I guess it’s not all bad.

I guess if you take anything out of this rambling soap opera, then please remember this: it’s alright to feel shit sometimes. Sometimes the world works against us, and we’re never going to get the answers that we deserve. My advice? Let it out. Whether that may be via talking, writing, crying or punching things. Don’t let those yucky thoughts consume you. I still don’t feel particularly great, but getting this off my chest has helped a fuckload.

So if you’re reading this and you’re not feeling particularly fab either, well, don’t hesitate to reach out. Or write about it. Or whatever works for you. Just don’t get lost in your head.

 

Sending good vibes,

Vivienne

 

 

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